mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He shit in the fireplace
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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