the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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