I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
