Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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