When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
