Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
