hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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