I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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