i already hear my dad disowning me
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
