I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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