when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
