we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
