My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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