Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
