yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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