So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
my liver is dry heaving
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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