Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
