the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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