The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
