My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
