The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
