Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
