i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
