Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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