Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
