i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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