I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
