I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
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Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
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That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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