Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
