when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
