I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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