Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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