I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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