The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
