Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
