I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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