What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I want her autograph on my taint
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
