I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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