so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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