Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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