Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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