Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
