i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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