batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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