I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
