it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
