It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
