I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
