Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
