Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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