I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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