just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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