I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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