i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
