so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
