Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
