why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
