I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
