i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
