She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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