If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
