I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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