the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
