Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
