david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
false alarm. still invincible.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
