Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
