Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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